Gathering memories
Life story questions to ask a parent or grandparent
In short
Good life story questions are open, specific and gentle: "What did your mum cook on a Sunday?" works better than "Tell me about your childhood." Ask about one chapter of life at a time (growing up, work, love, family, places, hobbies, life now), offer photos as prompts, and never turn it into a test.
How should you ask life story questions?
Ask one simple question at a time, about something concrete, and give plenty of time to answer. The NHS advice on communicating with someone with dementia suggests speaking clearly and slowly in short sentences, giving the person time to respond, offering simple choices and rephrasing a question if it doesn't land. Those habits make life story conversations easier for everyone, whether or not dementia is part of the picture.
- Start with a photo or object. "Where was this taken?" is easier than recalling something from nothing.
- Ask about senses and details. Smells, songs, food and clothes often bring back more than dates do.
- Offer a choice when a question is too open. "Did you prefer the seaside or the countryside?"
- Accept any answer. If the story changes from last time, it doesn't matter. Their version is the one that counts.
- Notice when to stop. Alzheimer's Society notes that reminiscence can sometimes bring up sad memories. If a question upsets them, acknowledge the feeling and move on gently.
- Write down their words. A phrase like "we were courting for six years" makes a far better caption than anything you could write.
If your parent can't answer many questions now, ask the people who knew them: brothers and sisters, old friends, former colleagues. Our guide to collecting photos and memories from the family covers how.
Questions about growing up
- Where were you born? Was it at home or in a hospital?
- What was the street like where you grew up? Who lived next door?
- How many rooms did the house have? Where did you sleep?
- Who was in your family when you were small?
- What was your mum like? What was your dad like?
- What did your mum cook on a Sunday?
- What games did you play in the street?
- Did you have a nickname as a child? Who gave it to you?
- What were you scared of when you were little?
- What did you get for Christmas or your birthday?
- Which brother, sister or cousin were you closest to?
- Did you have a favourite toy, comic or radio programme?
- Where did the family go on days out?
- What jobs did you have to do around the house?
- Who was the funniest person in your family?
Questions about school days
- What was the name of your first school? How did you get there?
- Who was your best friend at school?
- Which teacher do you still remember? Why?
- What was your favourite subject, and which did you dread?
- What did you have for school dinners?
- Were you ever in trouble at school? What for?
- Did you play any sports or join any clubs?
- How old were you when you left school? How did it feel?
Questions about working life
- What was your very first job? How much were you paid?
- How did you get to work? Bus, bike, walking?
- Which job were you proudest of?
- Did you wear a uniform? What did it look like?
- Who were the people you worked with? Any characters?
- What was a normal working day like?
- What was the hardest part of the job, and the best part?
- Did you ever do National Service or serve in the forces?
- Did you run a home, raise a family or care for someone? What did a busy day look like?
- When did you retire? What did you do on your first day off?
Questions about love and partners
- How did you meet your husband, wife or partner?
- What did you notice about them first?
- Where did you go on your first date?
- How did the proposal happen?
- What do you remember about your wedding day? What was the weather like?
- What was your first home together like?
- What song do you think of as "your song"?
- What made you laugh together?
Questions about children and grandchildren
- What do you remember about the day your first child was born?
- How did you choose your children's names?
- What were the children like when they were little?
- What was bedtime like in your house?
- What family traditions did you start?
- What did you enjoy doing with your grandchildren?
- What do you hope your grandchildren know about you?
Questions about homes, places and holidays
- Which home did you love most? What was special about it?
- What was in your garden?
- Where did you go on holiday when the children were small?
- Did you have a favourite beach, caravan site or hotel?
- Have you ever been abroad? What surprised you?
- Which town or city feels most like home?
- Where would you go tomorrow if you could go anywhere?
Questions about hobbies, music and pastimes
- What did you do on a Saturday afternoon?
- Which team do you support? Do you remember a famous match?
- What music did you dance to? Where did you go dancing?
- Which singer or band did you love?
- Did you knit, sew, bake, fish, paint, garden or make things?
- What programmes did you always watch on television?
- What books or magazines did you enjoy?
- Did you ever win anything: a raffle, a competition, a prize at a show?
- What were you really good at?
Questions about pets
- Did you have pets growing up? What were their names?
- Which pet was the family favourite?
- Is there a funny story about a pet everyone still tells?
Questions about beliefs and values (only if they want to)
Faith matters a great deal to some people and not at all to others. Only include it if it's important to them.
- Is faith or a place of worship important to you?
- Are there festivals, prayers or hymns that mean a lot to you?
- What do you think matters most in life?
- What advice would you give a young person today?
Questions about friends and community
- Who has been your friend the longest?
- What did you do together?
- Were you part of a club, choir, church, union or team?
- Who would you ring with good news?
Questions about life now
These answers are the most useful to carers, and they belong on an "About me" page as well as in the book.
- What would you like people to call you?
- How do you take your tea or coffee?
- What do you like to eat? Is there anything you really don't like?
- What time do you like to get up and go to bed?
- What helps you feel calm when you're worried?
- What do you enjoy talking about?
- Is there anything that upsets you, or that people should avoid?
- Who are the important people you see now?
- What makes a good day for you?
How do you turn answers into captions?
Keep the caption short, put it in the first person and use their own phrasing where you can. One or two sentences per photo is plenty.
| What they said | Caption for the page |
|---|---|
| "Oh, we went to Filey every year, the whole street went on the same coach." | We went to Filey every summer. The whole street went on the same coach. |
| "I was at Rowntree's for thirty years, on the Kit Kat line mostly." | I worked at Rowntree's for 30 years, mostly on the Kit Kat line. |
| "Jim asked me to dance at the Mecca and that was that." | Jim asked me to dance at the Mecca, and that was that. |
Use the names they use ("Jim", not "my late husband James"), avoid dates they won't recognise unless they matter, and leave out anything they'd rather keep private. Our main guide on how to make a life story book shows how the captions fit into the finished pages.
Key takeaways
- Ask one open, specific question at a time, and allow time to answer.
- Use photos, music and objects as prompts rather than asking from nothing.
- Never turn it into a test; accept the story they tell.
- Stop gently if a memory brings sadness, and acknowledge the feeling.
- Write down their exact words: they make the best captions.
- Ask relatives and friends to fill gaps the person can no longer answer.
Common questions
What are good questions to ask an elderly parent about their life?
Ask specific, sensory questions about everyday life: what their mum cooked on a Sunday, how they got to work, where they went dancing, what was in the garden. These are easier to answer than broad questions like "what was your childhood like?"
How many questions should I ask in one go?
Only a few. One chapter of life per conversation is plenty, and some days one good story is enough. Short, relaxed chats over several weeks usually gather more than one long interview.
What if they get the facts wrong?
It rarely matters for a life story book. The aim is to capture who they are and what they remember with feeling. If a fact is important, such as a name in a caption, check it quietly with another relative rather than correcting them.
Should I record the conversation?
Only with their agreement. A voice recording on your phone can help you capture their exact words for captions, but explain what it is for and stop if they seem uncomfortable.
Sources
- NHS: Communicating with someone with dementia
- Alzheimer's Society: Therapy and approaches for memory loss support
- Dementia UK: Creating a life story for a person with dementia
We link to these organisations for information; they haven't reviewed or endorsed this guide or Still Me. Read our editorial standards.